Tag Archives: satire

This Month in Sylvania

Unnatural Disaster Sets Back Housing

Over the summer crash cleaning for visitors resulted in a massive dumping of boxes in Sylvania.  The resulting clog set back housing development and building as well as the furnishing of existing apparents.  “We’re severly disapointed,” Mayor Oak Racoon said.  “We’re hoping for a recovery this month and a steady increase in progress.  Shelving investigations are in the works for future homes.”

While one my aunts is keeping an eye out for cheap shelves at the Goodwill Outlet store, not all Sylvanian residents are as hopeful as the major.  “The wind from the open window blew over our cardboard box home,” complained Mrs. Mouse.  “Now our things are scattered all over the floor and the junk pile and no one has cleaned them up.”  “Honest, we’re still homeless and a lot of folks are camping in the junk pile with us,” said Mr. Red Panda.  “Not enough has been done to make even temporary homes for us.”

Prior to the unnatural disaster and the resulting unreachable open window incident, a new shelf was installed on the west side of town. It’s four roomy shelves were turned into apartments for the Simba Bear family, the Brown Bear family, the Beaver family, and the Koala family.  The top shelf provided room for a bakery and the small crate home of the Mole Family.

Acorn Bakery First Shop to Open

Sylvania’s first store opened its doors last month, Acorn Bakery, run by Mr. and Mrs. Brown Rabbit.  Cookies, danishes, and cupcakes lined the windows of the small shop, purchased over the summer at Goodwill for 2.99.  While not technically Sylvanian but another off-brand, the small building fits remarkably well with the Calico Critter General Store, which is still under reconstruction due to damage while in storage.  The General store hopes to be able to open this coming month.

“We’re thrilled to have this opportunity,” gushed Mrs. Brown Rabbit.  “For us this bakery is a dream come true.”  The in-built oven on the wall of the bakery meant the Brown Rabbits could get directly down to business.  “If Acorn Bakery succeeds, this means big things for us,” said Mr. Brown Rabbit.  “I’d like to follow this up with getting first names, a house, and eventually baby rabbits for our family.  We’ve lots of wonderful nieces and nephews, but we’d like to establish ourselves as a full family in Sylvania.”

Mr. Salty Dog was the bakery’s first customer, along with the German Shepard twins.  “Who can resist a couple of fresh donuts when buying the week bread? We’re definitely coming back here!” said Mr. Dog.

Brown Bears Receive New Bathroom Set

Purchased at the miniature shop in Lincoln City, a brand new bathroom set was given to the Brown Bear family.  The set includes a tub, toilet, and sink.  The set looked to be about the right size for the Sylvanians but ended up being a bit large, and so was put in the Brown Bear’s apartment as they are some of the larger residents of Sylvania.

“Finally a tub I can fit in comfortably,” Mr. Brown Bear remarked.  “It doesn’t matter to us if we need a stool for the children to use the sink or the toilet, for us this is wonderful news.”

Not everyone in Sylvania, however, is so pleased.  “There are children on the streets and people living in the junk piles, and we’re buying  bathroom sets?” Grandma Gray Bear complained.  “I think housing should be our priority,” agreed junk pile resident Just Married Brown Rabbit.

“This was a vacation purchase,” insisted Mr. Koala, Sylvanian accountant.  “New shelving is being looked into as we speak, as well as disaster relief.  This was purchased earlier in the summer and only just opened now that the junk pile has been reduced enough to admit it.”

Not all residents are buying the official claim line.  “It’s all very well to claim it was in a previous budget, but there’s definitely corruption in the Sylvanian government,” Mrs. Maple Town Raccoon said.  “Notice, the Koala’s have a nice brand new apartment while we’re still homeless.”

New Erasable School Lunches

School opened on time with the town square getting cleared of both junk and Occupy protesters to make room for the school building (which was blown over in the window incident).  But what has students all excited was not the mayor’s controversial strategy for the building, but the new school lunch eraser set recently purchased at Wal-mart.

“The french fries are nearly as long as my ears!” an excited Rusty Brown Rabbit told reporters.  “I love the Cola-cola,” his friend Walnut Raccoon said. “I’ll be first at school every day just so I can snag it.”  “Its great to have so many choices,” said Thuy Gray Rabbit.  “If I don’t feel like the burger, I can always get the pizza or the hot dog for  change.”

Not everyone is so enthusiastic as the Maple Town School students.  “These are fatty foods and far too large of portions for growing students!” objected Mrs. Honey Bear.  “My children will bring more reasonable lunches from home.”  “Wal-mart will the be the ruination of Sylvania,” complained Mr. Frog, local of the General store.  “Last month we got in a crate of cabbages, a much more appropriate menu for growing young Sylvanians.  Catering to big business like this, letting them get inside our schools, is not a good idea.”

It is unknown what Calico Critters School for the younger grades is serving for lunches.  Mrs. Maple Town Raccon, the school teacher of Maple Town School, and Mr. Owl of Calico Critter School both declined to comment.

First Acorns of the Season Officially In

Mr. Squirrel was pleased to announce that the first acorns of the season are being harvested.  “We’ve got them in all sizes, shapes, and colors so come on out to the town square and take a look.”  The whole squirrel family went acorn collecting last weekend and brought home quite the tasty assortment.

“Acorn caps are also available if you want to make your own cups and bowls,” Mr. Squirrel explained.  “Later in the season we’re hoping to sell pre-made ones as well, but these have just come in.”  Get them while supplies last!