Minions scattered here and there, avoiding claws. Someone found the Report Minion hiding behind a pile of books and shoved him forward.
“Y-yes, Your Evilness.” The Report Minion cringed a salute.
“Where are my sales?” the Dreaded One growled.
“You have… instant updates on your computer, Evilness…” the Report Minion mumbled, feigning a misunderstanding of the question.
“Why is my book not selling?” The Dreaded One threw a book at the Report Minion, forcing him to hastily sidestep. “Report on the Social Networking Takeover, now!”
“Um… well… er…” The Report Minion blushed, vowing to hang the minions who’d appointed him to this position upside down in a vat of slime if he made it out alive today. “We have lots of people who have circled us on Google Plus.”
“Why does that always make them sound like a pack of vultures?” The Dreaded One growled. “Well, then? Why are they not buying? They sound hungry enough.”
“They, er… well, we have lots of authors in our writing circle who post ads about their books, a circle of Occupy Wall street manifestos and Ron Paul ads—”
“Wait! Aren’t those the opposite end of the political spectrum? And sales! Why does this not translate into sales?!”
The Report Minion shrugged. “We’re… building rapport, Your Evilness. The people in our circles all are very creative and supportive, at least.”
“And by support you mean…” The Dreaded One raised an eyebrow.
“They’re more than happy to plus one Lolcats, rainbows, and pictures of sunsets on beaches.” The Report Minion tried an encouraging smile.
“Cats are appropriately evil! And I do not post rainbows.”
“Of course not, Your Evilness.”
“Well, only the really exceptional rainbows,” the Dreaded One muttered. Everyone fell silent, not wanting to tackle that one, until some faint screaming from a locked up character in the distant vaults of the Evil Author’s castle echoed through the room. “Oh, shut up. I’ll get to you after I get some sales!” the Dreaded One roared. “Next!” She pointed at the Report Minion.
“On Twitter, no one was noticing us until you… um… we may have responded to someone’s inspirational quote.”
“I was having a bad day,” snarled the Dreaded One. “Even evil people need cheering up.”
“Well, um, now our twitter feed is full of cheerful inspirations, but um, no customers, really. But Preacher4theLord would like to suggests ‘God brings U everything, PRAY always’ and Sister_Rosemary reminds you ‘Jesus loves you, UR special.’”
“Arrrg!” The Evil Dreaded One set her hair on fire, and threw her cup of now cold coffee at the Report Minion, who hastily threw himself on the floor. “Spam them with book ads! Spam them I say!” roared the Dreaded One. “One every five seconds!”
“Is revenge really the best marketing strategy?” the Computer Tech Minion interrupted, peeking around the side of the laptop. He was promptly forced to duck back behind it for cover. “Your Dreadedness, be reasonable. We’re only trying to help.”
Meanwhile, the Report Minion scrambled to his feet. One of the others offered him a towel to wipe coffee off his breastplate.
“Whatever. What next?” snarled the Dreaded One, jabbing a claw at the recovering Report Minion.
“Well, when we stormed Facebook…” the Report Minion blushed, and shoved the towel behind his back. “We were besieged by your evil brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins.”
The Dreaded One dropped her head into her hands and groaned.
“Oh, except for that boy from third grade who used to pretend to die every time you saw him in the hall. He friended us as well. Shall we accept?”
The Dreaded One waved a hand. “Yes, yes, the better to extract our revenge.”
“Hey, wasn’t that because you punched him in the head on the playground in second grade?” asked one of the minion lurking behind the vat of slime.
“He deserved it! Get on with it.” The Dreaded One only looked up to give the minions a dull glare.
“Well, when you joined a tagging network on kindleboards… you rather… drained the treasury buying other people’s books as you tagged them, not to mention clogging up your hard drive with other free kindle offerings…”
“They looked interesting,” the Dreaded One snarled.
“And with all due respect, Your Evilness, that discussion on Critique Circle about how many words can be found using only the top line of the typewriter… well, while your entries of eep, yippy, and weyr were quite brilliant… they didn’t exactly bring in the sales.”
“You know, forget this!” The Dreaded Author jumped to her feet. “I spend hours reading useless junk online, and what do I get for it, nothing? When’s the last time I tortured a character? Causes mayhem and destruction on countries or blasted innocents with a reign of terror?” she picked up the laptop and threw it at the group of minions, who yelped in surprise.
“Hey!” The Computer Tech Minions screeched. “Careful of the internet!”
“It’s far time I went and had some fun. That was the whole point of this. Evil fun!” The Evil Author swirled her cape and marched forward. The minions scattered
“B-but what about the budget shortfalls?” the Report Minion muttered from under the desk.
“Go form a super-committee to solve it,” snarled the Dreaded One, and marched off towards the faint cries of distant characters.